how do i love thee?

all my life i hav kept everythin to myself. my feelings. my tots. anything personal n dear to me. n ive been so gd at concealin that i even forget i had those feelings in the first place.

how could anyone come to such an extent is beyond me. but that is wat i hav become and though i am not proud of it, i am tryin my outmost best to be more open.

wat feels natural to most people is actuali one of the scariest things i could ever encounter.

to hav my heart on a platter, showcased for the whole world to see. to be judged. to be scrutinised. to be dissected.

i cant bear that thought. it all seems so alien to me. to those hu noe me well, i seem to hav a lot to say bout wat i think n feel. of cuz, the word superficial was put in the english dictionary for a purpose rite? so  superficiality is the onli form of defence i noe n hav acquired till now.

he has brought it to my attention that the way i am handling my emotions is unhealthy in building true, strong n unbreakable bonds wif my family. i hav nvr been more embarrased in my life for someone to tell me that. but nevetheless i appreciate his honest n most humble advice.

its like a baby tryin to learn how to walk. an addict tryin to start feeling during a cold turkey treatment. that is how it feels. for me to come clean wif my emotions. im sori if this sounds wierd to anyone hu may chance upon this entry.

i am tryin to come clean… one step at a time… i am tryin…

to my dearest, thank u for all ur support. the way u help me is beyond wat any word can encompass. to be a better person. for wat life is worth. so that both of us would go thru life at our optimum levels. to be a pillar for one another.

its been almost 4 yrs. yet it stil feels like everythin is brand new. we hav come to learn each other’s likes n dislikes, the way a couple hu has been married for 4 yrs would noe bout each other. we also hav learnt the best way we compliment each other. yet knowin so much bout us doesnt cause boredom to set in

but in fact, the more i noe bout u, the more i m curious to find out wat else i duno bout u. as we venture into new grounds each day each hour, i dun think a burn out is any where near.. not even a word i shall consider in my vocabulary.

i speak for myself. n i speak of it true.

i love u.

n im thankful for u.

im at a lost rite now. exams are over. he’s in beijing. i have rejected the offers of frens to go out 2 weeks ago n now, none bother to even call me.

he’s in beijing! so far away. i hav no clue as to how i shd spend my day. i cant juz call him. the last trip alreadi cost him a bomb in phone bills. all i noe is that if i sit here n wait long enuf, he’ll come online. he gets to see me. yet i can onli see the words on the screen. tats all i live for to get thru the hours.

nuting i eat taste good. nuting i read gets into my brain. nuting i watch engages my attention. nuting juz absolutely nuting is going to help get my life on track.

n guess wat? it sounds ridiculous but its onli be a 30 hours since i last saw him, sending him off at the airport.

im sori dear. u may read this. but im reali sori to be feeling this way. but its the most honest truth i can ever tell u at this moment in time.

come back soon please.

come back home to me.

thank u for loving me. thank u for caring bout me. thank u for making me feel so special.

i need u. i miss u. i cant live without u.

less than a month after the dream i mention in the last post, it came true. i lost my grandma. the one i love. the onli grandma i knew. at 90+ she went back to the heavens. n left me here adrift, searchin for a way to move on.

she had a fall a week b4 her death. which caused her to hav a cut on her head but no damage to the skull. she  was weak n falls were common. yet she kept her dignity as i’d like to call it, n maintained that she didnt wan any help to go to the bathroom or to be held by the hand everywhere she went. she wanted her independence despite her fragility.

6 days after, as she sat on her bed like usual, my aunty came. for the very first time in 50 yrs, she brought some food she cooked herself for grandma to approve. yet the onli disheartenin reply she got was… ï need to go to the hospital… i cant breathe…

after that it went spirallin downwards. she couldnt breath . she was juz struggling for smthg so simple. a breath of life. that many of us take for granted. rushed her to the hospital. n after a long while was told she had pneumonia. after antibiotics was administered, she relaxed. breathed normally again n was chirpy as ever. i left earli that day. i was sick. i left at 4 i didnt even get to say gd bye to her. cuz i was supposed to come back at 8 after catchin a nap n sleepin off my cold med.

i didnt even say gd bye to her.

my parents called me at 7 n said that there was no need to go to the hospital tat nite cuz my aunty’s maid wld stay wif her n read the  Quran for her. i planned on going in the morning.

i nvr tot that at 3 am the hospital wld call n ask my family to go down cuz she was getting breathless again. i initially didnt wanna go cuz i was drowsy but thanks to my mum, she pestered me to go. n thank god i went. somehow, i had a bad feeling when i reached the hospital. n i ran all the way from the lift to her bed.  i didnt expect wateva i saw after that.

it didnt strike me when all the curtains of the 4 beds were drawn. till i opened her curtain. she was under the blanket. she was under the blanket. my grandma.

she had a heart attack. her last words to me was… "give me my specs. put them near me so that i can see those who come visit me later"

she who i love . she who had brought me home from the hospital. she who tended to my cuts n bruises. she who made sure that i had never went hungry.she who accepted the onli boy i brought home with open arms.

shes gone physically. but still here in my heart.

at least now i noe that no one can hurt her. since i couldnt stop assholes from hurtin her when she was alive. from wantin her money to simply feed their greed. those who gave her a heart murmur that mini heart attack that proved to be fatal the second time round.

shes at peace now i hope. watchin over everyone.

i’ll nvr forget how happy she was when i told her my results for my uni’s first sem. how she praised n thanked god for my grades. how she told me to work hard. to study n do my best. n if i failed, try again. its not ur time to succeed. but u will.

my heart will never mend. as i sit here n cry. my missing piece. a big piece. she’ll be the reason y i succeed. the onli reason.

i woke up this mornin tryin to recollect my dream. a dream that  has been reoccurin quite a bit this past yr. a dream that i noe will come true one day but believe me, if i had the power of bestowin eternal life to anyone, shes be the first.

wat was wierd though, was that this dream was unlike any other. she was there, dying. n i cried my eyes out, but suddenly, my brain took over n those tears juz ceased as if smthin inside me reminded me to stay strong for everyone else but me.

it had always been like this u see. i rather eat my heart out n be the pillar of strength for my family than to be the one hu crumbles in a time of need. i duno y ive upkeept this role but it seems to be working. pretendin i dun hav a heart. pretendin that emotions are controlled by logic.

i dreamt of her dying. i stil cant believe it.

shes old. alreadi 90 over. n in that dream, as she was about to take her last few breaths, she asked me, "is he the one u reali love?" n i said "yes" . "then go be wif him. hes a gd boy. ur dad will come to realise it"

was i reali dreamin? or was it juz my unconscious piece-ing up?

shes always been there for me. n i duno wat id do without her.

this entry has no bottom line. i dun even noe y im writin watever im writin. im sori .

If you could feel

What a girl felt

Realising her hands

Were more potent.

more lethal,

more surreal.

How it bursts

Into a wonder of colours.

NO STRUCTURE.

Just an explosion

So unfamiliar a feeling

Mother Nature coaxes

"try it again"

"try it again"

You give in.

It happens again

it hits the spine

it melts in your spine

"do it again"

"do it again" . . .

I wake up 20 years later

and still not know what flying is.

I’ve been to many places

Round n round the world i go

but if u ask me,

Flying dont need no plane.

man! its so ironic! when i first met benny, he was a nite owl who didnt wake up till 6pm n stayed awake till the break of dawn. contrastingly, i was a NORMAL person! n he always wanted me accompany him in the nite altot to no avail as my lids were too heavy, they remained shut. but lately, im the nite owl. hes into the normal routine cuz of work. sobz.

my baby is now fast asleep. its almost 2 am. n im no where near the bed. ive been too busy runnin ard… since sch ended n all i can do is wait for results. reali afraid for my accounting. cuz.. haix… i’ll be glad i got anythin more than juz a PASS. n yes baby, u told me to be more optimistic. but i cant help it. u n i both noe tat we like to figure out worst case scenario more than best case scenario rite? thats y we fit so well together.

sch is gona start on 3 jan. i think rmit needs to make their timetable more comprehensible. goodness. so disorganised. i have till 3 jan to go out constantly n spend quality time wif my baby n onli my baby.

look frens, its not that i dun wanna see u or anything, but u all noe how restrictive my dad is which means tat the times i get to go out will be for benny. i wasnt born wif the gift for freedom. pros n cons… i guess hai

i think i better get back to transferrin my bangkok stuff from the phone to the com cuz its makin my phone hang… ttyl

  well… i wldnt wanna tok bout the turn out to me earli bday celebration cuz i probably wld be abit upset haa but hu cares. my relatives were there, my best fren in sim was there n of cuz the love of my life was there to spend the day wif me look at how handsome he is. if anyone of u disagree, go kiss my A*s.

my dearest sis oso made me an eorh cake. actuali the eorh was supposed to be put on the cake but due to certain stuff, it was segregated from the mango cake… compliments of grand corpthorne hotel haa cute rite? eorh’s legs tied to balloons.

of cuz little duni a n mickey was there. i didnt manage to get hold of the photos of the two of them at the party but the pic below is one of dunia one week ago at another party n was so shagged, that her mouth was wiiiiiddddddeeee…..

my aunty n her family like gave me a guess wallet…. a cute dice keychain n tshirt from esprit. n another aunty n family gave me island shop necklace wif earrings… smthg.. i’d nvr dare wear but i think it’ll fit nicely wif my hari raya clothing.. n an esprit bag which as i was takin it out of the wrapper, i was hopin its not the same bag i bought a mth ago from esprit… but thank god… its absolutely different n gorgeous. oh yah… but the ultimate of ultimate of ultimate gifts were those my baby bought me.. one was a samsonite laptop haversack which i absolutely need cuz the sling laptop bag toshiba gave is causing me shoulder cramps man. n yes… the ultimate is the white lacoste bag he bought me below… im so happi. i cant wait to use it. but i mean… im gona be staying home due to exam break n argh. so irritating. i wanna use it!!! haa

front           back

its so beautiful haha man! its so damm nice. thank u baby…. mwah !!!!

n ohh….        happi bday to me.. hapi bday to me.. hahaha

from the last entry up till now, so many things have hapened. from baby’s bday to that car accident me n mum went thru . of cuz in between was the releasing of assignment results as well as the death of a grandaunt. i kinda juz float thru one day at a time. world is spining. im serious. one thing after another. then now. exams.

as for the car accident, dun ask me bout it anymore. it was a bad experience n i duno how it’ll affect me the next time i get into the car for my driving practices but well, lets see myself then when i hav to face it ya? to all those hu dun noe bout it, i’ll explain to u if i do feel like it. kinda tired of that whole episode. the car is stil under repairs for like another 3 weeks or wateva.

as for baby’s bday, quite fun . i shall not state more on this public blog for anyone can read it n ive promised him that i shall not put us in more trouble by explaining wat we do in our normal lives.

oh… n the assignment results! high distinctions are like a common thing man. goodness. its like 80% of everyone i noe has a high dist somewhere. i shall work hard for exams. but the monotony is about eating me alive. its so much work! argh hopefully our dearest peter will give us great insights this fri.

speaking of this fri, or actuali tml.. haa im in such a happy mood. get to go sch n attend lecture. see my frens at the same time. kinda miss having a social life haa n after tat.. go for a haircut… any suggestions? well, it’ll probably stil be long hair cuz erh… tat is wat he likes. long black hair. n yes. no more dying of my hair. gona look wierd for the next 6 mths while the brown part of my hair grows out, but its ok lah. tahan the urge not to dye my hair abit haa n yes after the haircut! bee will be takin me go buy my pre-bday present? im not even sure. but he said he wans to bring me to suntec for some bag sale by lacoste n samsonite. haa yay!!! cant wait! though i noe hes like having 2nd 3rd 4th thoughts bout how many times im gona swipe his credit cards haha baby, i promised i’ll keep within the budget. but juz dun make the budget too small haha n i;ll be fine n u’ll be fine too yes baby? haa

oh… now this is the true shazy that u see. one second reali grumpy, then next second blur, to the next hour filled wif joy haa my moods dun last long. well, fortunately or unfortunately. cuz i turn grumpy juz as fast as lightning. haa

oh yah…wats wif some of my frens. they update their blogs like 5 times a day. 1. who the HEAVEN is gona read ur blog 5 times a day?!

2. Have u got no frens tat u onli rely on blogging to speak out?

3. get a grip babe!

i hav to go. i need to go feed myself some mangoes bee bought.. realllllllllllll nice… yum yum